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A tiny natural fathering story:
A friend of mine brought his 2 year old over to the sand box, squatted down to kid level, and introduced his son to the other kids: "This is Satchi. Can he play, too?" He then says, "I'm Satchi's friend, Jose. We like sandboxes."
He doesn't say, "I'm his dad", but "I'm his friend".
It really struck me then as being a different attitude than the norm. As I remembered it today, I thought about how many of our interactions with our children are in the context of the parent/child hierarchy, and how seldom it is that we relate to them as friends. We guide and teach and nurture and protect them, but do we befriend them as well?
Showing posts with label natural fatherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label natural fatherhood. Show all posts
6.25.2008
6.19.2008
Unassisted Homebirth, Fathering, and You
Don't let this be you!Having a homebirth without a midwife is a radically empowering experience, whether by choice or by accident. Unassisted childbirth is the term, although that implies that you usually need assistance in giving birth. I prefer the term free birth, and can heartily recommend it for anyone that wants a safe, cheap, DIY homebirth.Many people choose hospital or birth centers to have their children, and fear plays a big part in making that decision. The medical establishment, the media, the insurance industry and our modern culture of "experts" all contribute to the fear factor in natural homebirth. For a lot of parents to be, just having a homebirth is different enough to cause some fear, even though homebirths are safer than hospital births by far. Our local hospital gives C-sections to one third of birthing mothers. One third! Cesarean section is the most commonly performed surgery in the US, to the tune of $14 billion a year (the Cesarean rate in 1970 was 5.5%, in 2004 it was 29.1 percent, and it's over 40% at many hospitals).
The classic book Spiritual Midwifery talks about birth as a natural process that involves the mother and the father. It's an act of love and devotion to bring a child into the world in a conscious manner, and when you take charge of your own birth, you gain a big insight into the miracle that is childbirth. When you birth in a hospital, you get an insight into a mechanic's shop and all of the attendant tools and gadgets, which will help you to understand all of many charges on your hospital bill and to see why your doctor drives a Mercedes...
Natural fatherhood is about making the choices that are the safest and most beneficial to your partner and your child. It doesn't mean that you need to make the choices that I make, but at the very least, you've spent the time to research all of the alternatives so that you aren't choosing by default.
The medical profession has a very specific protocol for every situation, and you will be pressured into doing what they have in mind if you aren't educated on the alternatives and you just go along with the program. Having a written birth plan on hand that defines your needs and your choices is a key element. In ours, we said that we did not want silver nitrate in the eyes of our baby, we did not want to be separated from our child, no circumcision, etc. If you can give copies of this birth plan to all of the nurses and care team in the hospital, then you have a much better chance of being heard by them when you need to make your voice heard.
In your journey of natural parenting, do your homework, be informed, and speak up. The world needs more parents that stand up for what they believe in, no matter what the "experts" say.
6.18.2008
Natural Fathering
Natural parenting would probably describe our style of parenting. I've heard of natural mothering, but natural fathering? Not so much.
I named this blog Natural Father because I wanted to put it out to the universe that the natural father is the natural state of a man. An intuitive and grounded and connected man will be a strong model for his children and his community. A natural father knows his power as a man and respects the power of his wife as a woman. He supports his partner through pregnancy, birth, and the raising of the child.
Natural fathering, to me, is about learning to live simply and naturally while raising a family in an increasingly hectic and competitive world, a world where all kinds of dubious substances are in our food and water and air. It's about teaching our kids to stand up for their beliefs and to have principles that guide them.
We have birthed two of our babies at home, unassisted, and we can't imagine doing it any other way. Our first was a planned homebirth, but my wife had severe sympoms of toxemia/pre-eclampsis, so we ended up in the hospital. She was induced a month early, and our daughter was perfect and healthy, just very skinny (4 1/2 lbs.). Our next child was born in water (an Aqua Doula set up outside), at dawn, unassisted, and the experience was awesome. Our youngest was also born in water, the Aqua Doula set up in a tipi in the yard, and witnessing that birth really hammered home the fact that women's bodies know how to give birth, without any outside assisstance. I highly recommend homebirth and unassisted birth for DIY-type fathers.
Our children have slept in our bed since birth, and will continue to until they are ready to have their own space. It just made more sense to not have a crib or a separate room. As a new parent, with all of the new experiences and challenges that you have, the last thing you want is more work. So when the baby wakes up for nursing or diaper change or a burp, why go to another room to comfort and tend him? Let them have the comfort of you always being there with co-sleeping. It won't always be that way. The fear of rolling over on your baby is completely unfounded and is just plain silly.
We started teaching our youngest sign language from very early on, and it made communication so much easier. It takes babies a long time to be able to make certain sounds, but they can mimic and remember signs easily. Teaching infant potty training with signs and sounds was a huge help in getting to diaper-free very quickly, and all it really takes is commitment to doing it. Our youngest was diaper-free at 1 1/2, and mostly diaper-free at age one. I built her a wooden potty chair just her size, and she loves it. We love it too, as we don't have to put her up on the big toilet and be with her the whole time.
We homeschool (I should say unschool) our children, and we really enjoy it. Anything that they are interested in, we try to get them involved in. We may not know vaulting, or ceramics, or how to play the fiddle, but there is usually someone in our community that can teach it. I'm always amazed at how fast we manifest opportunities through our connections.
I was at a workshop the other day with JL Glass, a motivational and leadership speaker, and he brought up the fact that very early on in school, we are exposed to messages or lessons that really mess with us. He said "You are given a piece of paper with a group of objects and told to circle the one that doesn't belong. Right off the bat, we are being told that things that are different don't belong." Wow! What other "harmless" activities and lessons are out there? We want to raise our kids with positivity and openness and compassion, with the ability to think for themselves, not to spit back memorized answers to get a better grade.
Our children are comfortable wherever they are, even if it's different from what they have been used to. They are great campers. We camped for 5 weeks in a row last spring, and they are so comfortable being out in nature, that the only complaint we heard was that our oldest had run out of books to read (and she soon got over that). There's something that kids get from digging in the dirt, climbing a tree, scrambling up a hill, cooking outside, going to sleep when it's dark and waking up at dawn, that they really need. A connection to the natural world is key when teaching them about our place in the universe. Of course, we need to be comfortable in nature before they will, as so much of their learning takes place through watching and imitating us. If we don't have an issue with squatting over a sawdust toilet or a hole dug behind a tree, then they don't either.
I know that there are specific definitions out there for natural parenting and attachment parenting, but I don't think that there is one for natural fathering, so I'll be exploring that in upcoming posts. A lot of work has been done in the women's movement and the mothering movement, but I see a big need for a primal fathering movement, one that honors men in their power, that strengthens the father/son and father/daughter connection in a positive way. We've been demonized by the feminists and marginalized by the media, and now is the time start anew.
I named this blog Natural Father because I wanted to put it out to the universe that the natural father is the natural state of a man. An intuitive and grounded and connected man will be a strong model for his children and his community. A natural father knows his power as a man and respects the power of his wife as a woman. He supports his partner through pregnancy, birth, and the raising of the child.
Natural fathering, to me, is about learning to live simply and naturally while raising a family in an increasingly hectic and competitive world, a world where all kinds of dubious substances are in our food and water and air. It's about teaching our kids to stand up for their beliefs and to have principles that guide them.
We have birthed two of our babies at home, unassisted, and we can't imagine doing it any other way. Our first was a planned homebirth, but my wife had severe sympoms of toxemia/pre-eclampsis, so we ended up in the hospital. She was induced a month early, and our daughter was perfect and healthy, just very skinny (4 1/2 lbs.). Our next child was born in water (an Aqua Doula set up outside), at dawn, unassisted, and the experience was awesome. Our youngest was also born in water, the Aqua Doula set up in a tipi in the yard, and witnessing that birth really hammered home the fact that women's bodies know how to give birth, without any outside assisstance. I highly recommend homebirth and unassisted birth for DIY-type fathers.
Our children have slept in our bed since birth, and will continue to until they are ready to have their own space. It just made more sense to not have a crib or a separate room. As a new parent, with all of the new experiences and challenges that you have, the last thing you want is more work. So when the baby wakes up for nursing or diaper change or a burp, why go to another room to comfort and tend him? Let them have the comfort of you always being there with co-sleeping. It won't always be that way. The fear of rolling over on your baby is completely unfounded and is just plain silly.
We started teaching our youngest sign language from very early on, and it made communication so much easier. It takes babies a long time to be able to make certain sounds, but they can mimic and remember signs easily. Teaching infant potty training with signs and sounds was a huge help in getting to diaper-free very quickly, and all it really takes is commitment to doing it. Our youngest was diaper-free at 1 1/2, and mostly diaper-free at age one. I built her a wooden potty chair just her size, and she loves it. We love it too, as we don't have to put her up on the big toilet and be with her the whole time.
We homeschool (I should say unschool) our children, and we really enjoy it. Anything that they are interested in, we try to get them involved in. We may not know vaulting, or ceramics, or how to play the fiddle, but there is usually someone in our community that can teach it. I'm always amazed at how fast we manifest opportunities through our connections.
I was at a workshop the other day with JL Glass, a motivational and leadership speaker, and he brought up the fact that very early on in school, we are exposed to messages or lessons that really mess with us. He said "You are given a piece of paper with a group of objects and told to circle the one that doesn't belong. Right off the bat, we are being told that things that are different don't belong." Wow! What other "harmless" activities and lessons are out there? We want to raise our kids with positivity and openness and compassion, with the ability to think for themselves, not to spit back memorized answers to get a better grade.
Our children are comfortable wherever they are, even if it's different from what they have been used to. They are great campers. We camped for 5 weeks in a row last spring, and they are so comfortable being out in nature, that the only complaint we heard was that our oldest had run out of books to read (and she soon got over that). There's something that kids get from digging in the dirt, climbing a tree, scrambling up a hill, cooking outside, going to sleep when it's dark and waking up at dawn, that they really need. A connection to the natural world is key when teaching them about our place in the universe. Of course, we need to be comfortable in nature before they will, as so much of their learning takes place through watching and imitating us. If we don't have an issue with squatting over a sawdust toilet or a hole dug behind a tree, then they don't either.
I know that there are specific definitions out there for natural parenting and attachment parenting, but I don't think that there is one for natural fathering, so I'll be exploring that in upcoming posts. A lot of work has been done in the women's movement and the mothering movement, but I see a big need for a primal fathering movement, one that honors men in their power, that strengthens the father/son and father/daughter connection in a positive way. We've been demonized by the feminists and marginalized by the media, and now is the time start anew.
6.09.2008
Natural Fatherhood Defined, part 1
This natural father believes:
There is a lot of focus on mothers and mothering, and it would be great if we started hearing more about fathering. I say fathering instead of fatherhood: fathering is active, and fatherhood a state of being, seems to me. I'm going to use natural fathering to describe what I do. Natural fatherhood is the state I aspire to.
- Homebirth is best. It's safe, it's cheap, it's been happening for thousands of years without doctors and hospitals. Trust it.
- Unassisted homebirth is the ultimate DIY project. I highly recommend it.
- Circumcision is cruel and stupid. Go watch one if you disagree.
- Vaccinations are dangerous. Giving small babies multiple vaccines is so new that we don't know the consequences. Maybe autism. Maybe SIDS.
- Co-sleeping is where it's at.
- Wearing your child on your body, in a sling or in a soft pack (Ergo-style), is as natural as birth.
- Homeschooling works. Unschooling works even better. It's not hard.
- Your children are miniature people. They learn by watching you, and just because they don't know the language doesn't mean that they are dumb.
- Natural foods are the basis for health in children and adults. Eating quality nutritious food will save you grief and money in the long run. It's your health plan.
- Grow your own food organically in whatever space you have. It makes sense.
- It's important to have "papa time" that is just for you. You have to work on yourself and listen to what your needs and wants are. Just because you are a father does not mean that your personal development is done. Quite the contrary.
- Everyday brings a new lesson, a new opportunity. Make the most of it.
There is a lot of focus on mothers and mothering, and it would be great if we started hearing more about fathering. I say fathering instead of fatherhood: fathering is active, and fatherhood a state of being, seems to me. I'm going to use natural fathering to describe what I do. Natural fatherhood is the state I aspire to.
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