4 Tips for New Dads: Nurture Your Partner

There's a saying: "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!"

I used to think it was just funny, until having kids. Now I see the truth in it.

When a woman is pregnant and her body is working overtime, she'll love it if you take the time to nurture her. A lot of first-time fathers don't fully understand the changes that are happening to their partner, and it can be tough to remember to take the time to nurture and embrace her.

Picking up after yourself will help, but I'm really not talking about the house...

I'm talking about your partner and her needs.

4 Nurturing Tips for New Dads

1. Touch her. Give her a massage, even if you only have fifteen minutes. Starting with the neck and upper back, move to working on her hips and the back of the pelvis, and end with a foot rub. You don't need massage experience for this, just some strong hands, some willingness, and some love. For extra points, heat some water for a foot bath, add a couple of drops of lavender oil, or rose petals if you've got them, and let her soak her feet while you listen to how her day went. If you listen to her, she'll listen to you. It works both ways.
2. Make some pregnancy or nursing tea for her every day. Use 1 part nettles, 1 part alfalfa, 2 parts raspberry leaf, and peppermint to taste (1/4 part). Let it steep for 10 minutes, strain and serve with honey. Make it a ritual, a way to connect with that little bean of yours growing inside her. The tea nurtures her body, and the act will nurture your relationship. I have always made it for my wife in the evening, and we can share how our days went and sip tea together.
3. Tell her she's beautiful. Tell her you love her. Tell her that she's radiant. Say thank you for being the mother of your child. You could even try to tell her that you like her outfit, but you're on your own there... I think every woman wants to hear her lover tell her she's beautiful, and by telling her that when she's pregnant, you will do wonders for your relationship.
4. Read the birth books and parenting and pregnancy books that she's been reading, so you can be in the know about all of the changes that are a part of this miracle. I enjoyed reading Spiritual Midwifery, and found that I spent more time looking at the reference stuff in the back than the stories in the front. I wanted to know it happened, and what and when to expect things during birth. I wanted details. My wife wanted to know experiences and feelings and stories. If you both read them, you'll have a reference. You'll speak the same language. And that's half the battle in any relationship.

I have learned that it takes an effort to remember to do these things regularly, but when I do, it makes for a happy, peaceful house, pregnancy, and marriage. Put it on your work calendar, email yourself, or put it on your to-do list- "Nurture the mother of my child. Next action: Make tea and give backrub."

Show her that you cherish her every day, meet her needs, and you'll find that yours will be met as well.

A Man Is Not His Family

I have recently had a number of conversations, with both men and women, about the nature of self, family, and marriage.  All of them came up randomly (it seemed to me), and all ended with no clear resolution, no answers.

One conversation was with the wife of a good friend of mine, centering around the fact that her husband is struggling with fatherhood. He's not struggling to love his child or wife, but he's feeling like he's disappearing - getting lost in the marriage and family, and wondering who he is.

This topic is something that I've been thinking about for some time now, and I've started numerous posts on it, only to get stuck. So today, I've decided to just pursue it a bit, even if I have no conclusion. Let's see where we get...

What is a man?

• A man is not his family.
• A man is not his marriage.
  
• A man is not his job.
• A man is not his father.
• A man is not his favorite sports team or his dream car.
• A man is not the clothes he wears (or the clothes his wife wants him to wear - she would probably call them an "outfit", anyway).
• A man is not his tattoos.

So that's a start to what a man isn't, but what is a man?

I don't know...

I was reading a post at Finance Your Freedom which echoed a lot of the things that I have been thinking of lately.

I believe that we discover who we are by slowly eliminating who we are not: Once we begin to question this seemingly deterministic fate – this path laid before us by social conventions, language and media noise – we begin to discover, or uncover, our ideal self and shed light upon our own path.

I struggled through a long period in my life where I had resigned myself to being poor, to just getting by and trying to live simply (so my paycheck would last longer...) And then I realized that because that's what I focused on, that's what I got...

So I came to realize that the box that I put myself in was way too small, and I resolved to change it.

The book As a Man Thinketh came back into my life, after reading it 20 years ago. I found the 4-Hour Work Week at a thrift store, and it was an eye-opener, as was The Success Principles.

I read all of the positive thinking/affirmation literature I could find. I resolved to change my life, and started by acknowledging a piece of myself that I had neglected. 

During all of my years of working in various dead-end jobs, my fruitless attempt at college, and relationships and children, I had managed to avoid that which I enjoyed most.

Writing.

I would still scribble late at night, but with no clear aim or audience. I probably trashed 95% of what I wrote (and the other 5% is highly suspect). But I still made attempts, most involving the purchasing of fresh notebooks and new pens. I was full of ideas that I planned to write about when I became a writer.

I read a lot of blogs, yet never considered writing one myself. However, one night in May, I was down in the man cave paying the bills, surfing the net, when I came to the Blogger home page. What the hell, I thought. I'll just start.

Natural Father is the result.I haven't spent much time styling the design, other than adding a sidebar. I thought of it as a practice ground for "becoming a writer".

And then one day I get a message from the editor of Eco Child's Play, asking if I was interested in writing for the site. Heck yeah, I'm interested, I responded.

All of a sudden I was a writer. It changed the way that I thought. I had an actual audience now, and I could envision a future for myself doing what I love. Now my identity includes that part of myself, and I feel a sense of fulfillment from it, even if I'm not being interviewed on Oprah, or raking in the big bucks.

How does that tie in to the title?

I'm not sure. I told you I kept getting stuck...

Does it make sense to you? Comment if you have a clue.

10 Things I Love About Fatherhood

1. The feeling of your child's hand gripping your finger in total trust, as if by holding on to it, everything is right with the world.
2. Getting to be the hero.
3. A two-year-old's kisses.
4. You are an instant authority on everything.
   
5. Snuggling together with a couple of books makes the world go away for awhile.
6. You can be any kind of dad that you want. I'm "papa" or "poppy".
   
7. Hearing "I love you" from a child is ultra cool.
8. You don't have to be your dad. Be the dad you always wanted.
9. You get to re-experience life through a child's view as you observe the world with them. They will show you and tell you some amazing things.
10. You now have your own tribe.
    

Fatherhood and Personal Growth

In order to achieve all that is demanded of us, we must regard ourselves as greater than we are. -Johann von Goethe

Becoming a father can bring up a lot of issues for us and make us take a look at who we are and where we're going. It can make us question our ideas of work, money, happiness, and romance. How am I going to pay for it all, being the sole supporter? Does what I do for a living mesh with my family's needs? What do I do if my child or wife gets sick?

I remember thinking that it was pretty amazing that we could have a baby and that we were solely responsible. We weren't just babysitting, and wouldn't be giving the baby back to someone later. I mean, where's the owner's manual? What if we forget to do something? Who's responsible here?

As with most things in life, most of it is just suiting up and showing up, doing your best. Once we listen to our intuition and connect with our child and partner, we will be able to act in full confidence, no matter what the situation is. And the acting part is the important part of regarding ourselves as greater than we are. We act. Then we become.

When our daughter was an infant, I used to joke that I wished that we had twins, so that I could hold one. I envied the closeness of mother and child, and was impatient for papa-time. When she got older, we had more one on one time, but when she was an infant, I was just the designated burper. Now we have papa-time, and she's so curious about me and what I do, and how things work, and what project can we work on together?

Sometimes I wonder if I can possibly be the father that my children need. I've got my flaws and weaknesses, so how can I teach them something that I don't know for myself?

Within each of us is a natural pattern and a natural connection to the source of all wisdom. Tapping into that is how we become a natural father. A father that listens for the teaching in everything, and a father that learns from his child.

I've heard the term natural parenting, and natural mothering, but natural parenting probably has a very specific definition to some people, so I've been using the term natural fathering. Natural fathering embodies an intuitive approach to the role of the father in the new green family. It's a positive model of masculinity and fatherhood, of being fully present with our family and fully conscious of our power as men.

First we act as strong fathers, capable fathers, intuitive fathers, and then we become great fathers. We act as friends and teachers to our children, and through the homeschooling experience we receive our own education.

The rewards of fatherhood are many, but the personal growth that happens is huge. There probably isn't a school or book anywhere that can teach you as much as having children does. By living simply and focusing on the important things in life, like love and good food and positive relationships, our children learn those things alongside of us. It's a blessing for sure.

peace